SR 858: Graduation and Beyond: Navigating the Transition – Rachael Carman, Part 1 (Homeschooling Through the Years Series)

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We came into the house, and it was like someone had sucked all

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the oxygen out of the room. It was like, I don’t know if we can

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do this. So the one thing I would say is, I think it is

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important to let yourself grieve

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it because it’s a thing,

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and you do miss them. And missing somebody is

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a glorious thing. Hey, everyone, this is Yvette

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Hampton. Welcome back to the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast. I am back this

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week with one of my favorite guests in the whole world, Rachael Carman.

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You guys know, I think I can maybe go about six months, Rachael, without

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having you on the podcast, but not much longer than that. Oh, I always love

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being here. It’s so much fun. You are such a wealth of encouragement. You know,

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before I hit that record button, you and I sat and just talked for, I

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don’t know, 30 minutes or so. And I just love the encouragement that

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you bring to me. And it’s so funny, every time you open your mouth, I’m

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like, oh, man, I wish I was recording already, because the things that you say

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are such an encouragement that I want the audience to hear everything that you say.

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Oh, you’re very kind, but I am excited to have you back. And this

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is kind of the grand finale of our series that we

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have been doing called homeschooling through the years, and I

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could not think of anyone else better to fill this

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seat than you, my friend, Rachael Carman. Welcome back to the

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Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast, and we’re going to have a great time chatting this week. But

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before we do, I want to say thank you to our sponsor, BJU Press Homeschool.

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If you’re looking for great, solid, biblical worldview curriculum for any subject,

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need, call up one of their consultants and talk to them. They’ll help walk

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you through the needs of your family. So, bjupresshomeschool.com.

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and Rachael, I want to say thank you to you, too. I know when we

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hit that, that middle break, we’ve got the Apologia

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promo in there, and we are so grateful to you and your husband, Davis,

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for just supporting the homeschool community with Apologia. You guys

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have so much, so many great resources for homeschool families, and we are so

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very thankful for the resources we use in our homeschool. And

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I know many, many, you know, thousands and thousands of others, homeschooler. Homeschoolers

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use them as well. So thank you for your ministry. And. And so

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for supporting the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast and ministry, you guys are

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amazing. Yeah. It’s great to be in partnership with you, because I think we share

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the same heartbeat just to encourage other families. Yes, absolutely. So, for

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those who maybe they’re brand new to listening to the podcast, and they don’t know

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who you are, they’re not familiar with Apologia ministries. Just

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introduce yourself and your family and what it is that you guys do. Okay,

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so, my husband and I have been married for 38 years, and

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we just celebrated meeting 38 years ago. So we met in June, and we

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got married in December. So, you know. Wow. So that’s pretty awesome. We

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have seven children. We did not want to

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homeschool, and God brought us to a crossroads in our life

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and really gave us an opportunity to trust and

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obey in ways that we never would have imagined.

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And I’m so grateful. So we homeschooled for 26 years,

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and we launched everyone two years ago. I think it

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was. I should know that. Yeah, I think so. I think it’s coming up on

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three years, actually. Yeah. Cause Benjamin’s

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gonna be a junior, so. Yeah. Anyway,

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and now we’re grandparents. We have three

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already married and another one coming up in August,

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and we have nine grandkids. And so now we’re on the other side,

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watching our kids

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start homeschooling our grandkids. And

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I’m still loving picking out books. I still go to conferences when I speak

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and go and buy books for the grandkids and look at all the

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new stuff. So, yeah, so we’re on that side of it. And

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just so grateful for all that God did. That’s so cool. It’s so funny.

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I went to, you know, they have those book boxes. People have them, like, in

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their front lawns or sometimes, you know, at churches, things like that. And I.

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It’s like a magnet. I can’t not open the door to those book boxes and

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look to see what’s inside. And so the other day, Lacy and I were driving

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somewhere, and I was like, oh, a book box. And so I pulled off the

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side of the road, and I went, looked, and there was the velveteen rabbit, and

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I don’t have the velveteen rabbit. And I was like, oh, I said, I have

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to get this. And Lacy’s like, okay, I’m a little old for that. And I

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was like, not for you. It’s for my grandkids.

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That’s exactly. But I’ll read it to you if you want me to. That’s right.

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It’s a good story. It’s just a good, classic story. People will throw away the

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best stuff. I mean, you have to stop. I mean, even at goodwill, I got.

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I was at goodwill one time and. You got to go to Goodwill, right? Oh,

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yeah, there’s so many great things there. And I went over to the book section.

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Cause you gotta go to the books section. And I went over there. I love

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frames at Goodwill, too. Cause they’re just so expensive anywhere else. But you can

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get some really good frames of goodwill. Anyway, I went

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over to the book section and some homeschool mother had dumped her entire

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library because I know that those were just homeschool. And I was just like,

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yep, I’m taking that and that and that and that. And I distribute them

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between my daughters in law. But there was some really good stuff. So,

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yeah, I’m all about the books. Yeah. Oh, me too. It’s so much fun. I’ve

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got tons and tons of kids books. And sometimes, sometimes Lacey

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will still let me read to her, like, doctor Seuss stories and things like that.

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Oh, I love those. I love Doctor Seuss. Yeah, they’re just super.

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Well, you know, as we’re. We’ve made our way through this

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entire series, and you and I had planned to record, I think it was back

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in, like, April or may in preparation for this. And then I

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just said, you know what? I need to wait till I’m on the other side

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of Brooklyn’s graduation because this whole episode this week, we’re going to be

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talking about the after years. So we’ve already talked about the preschool years,

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elementary, middle school, high school, and now what? Now we get to the

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graduation to the after years, and then what do we do? And you’ve launched

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all seven of your kids. And so I canceled our recording that we had scheduled,

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and I said, let’s do it after because I want to wait until,

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like, I actually want to, you know, process this for a

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few weeks and walk through the

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graduation, you know, phase with her and all of that. And

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so I’m on the other side of that now. And, man, it is hard.

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I am realizing that we can prepare

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ourselves kind of mentally, sort of

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for our kids graduation, but I

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feel like there’s nothing we can really do to really prepare us

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emotionally for everything that

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comes with it, especially as homeschool moms, because

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we have such a different kind of relationship with our kids. And praise God,

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Brooklyn is still home. But lots of kids, they go off to

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college or they get married or they, you know, go off to do some other

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you know, for some other adventure. And

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it’s hard. I mean, it’s almost like it just tears your heart out because they’re,

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they’re a piece of you there. I feel like I’m missing a limb. You know,

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right now, as we’re recording this, my girls are at church camp together. It’s

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the first time ever since we’ve had both of them

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that they’ve both been away from us for this length of time.

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And they’re gone for a week. It’s not like they’re gone for a month or

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a year. They’re just gone for a week. But it’s so weird. I almost, like,

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don’t know what to do with myself. Like, I just, I feel like I’m missing

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something. And so this week, I want to talk about these,

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these after years, what does it look like? How do we prepare ourselves for it?

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How do we let go of our kids? How do we prepare our kids for

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these years after and going into their adult years? There are so many

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questions that we need answered. And so we’re going

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to jump deep into all of this. We’re going to take an early break because

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I want to be able to just stay on the same, you know,

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train of thought. And so let’s break real quick and we’ll be right back and

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today Apologia.com. We are

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back with Rachael. Man, as I

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look at these years and where we’re at right now, um,

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talk about what it was like for you. And I don’t know. I don’t

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know if you can separate

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launching your very first to launching your last and those in

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between. I mean, you had to do this seven times, Rachael.

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I can’t imagine seven times. But what is. What did that look

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like for you? Yeah. So

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launching our first one,

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he. If you’ve ever heard me talk, to give the talk. What about

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that child? My first one was that child. And so

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kind of a force of nature and always lots of energy and lots of

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passion. Like, if he was in the room, everybody knew it, right?

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And we all. He went to school in New York

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City, and we all went, like, as a family.

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We had done everything as a family for such a long time. I mean, there

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was. It wasn’t even a thought that we. We wouldn’t go. Right?

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And he did a gap year the year before, and so. But dropping

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him off in New York City was a thing. And we all went,

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and we came home on a bus, which is a whole nother

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story for another day, and. I don’t know that story. We came into the

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house, and it was like someone had sucked all the oxygen

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out of the room. It was like. I mean,

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I don’t know if we can do this, because on the one

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hand, he was just all that, like, this ongoing, like,

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hurricane constantly, and you’re just like, yeah, I’m not gonna miss that. Right?

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Just because it was just always. It was always

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intense. Yeah. Sometimes good. Some not so good. You know, just.

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But it was always intense, and you just

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sort of felt like, oh, my goodness. I don’t

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know. I don’t know if we can do this. So the

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first week we drove to co op, I was driving the 15

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passenger van, and our second son was sitting over here

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in the passenger side. And, you know, Charles was in New

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York, and I didn’t know what he was doing. I mean, I was just like,

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wait. I don’t. Wait, what? I don’t know where he is this morning. I don’t

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even have to. For breakfast. And, you know, he had gone to camps, and

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he had done other things, but I was just like, oh, my goodness. I don’t

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know where he is. He’s. I don’t know where he is. I

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looked over at Anderson at a stop sign and tears are just

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dripping off of his chin. And then I started crying. Then Savannah

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Ann started crying. Molly started. By the time we get to co op, we’re just

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all a hot mess, right? I think so. The one thing I would

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say is, I think it is important to let

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yourself grieve it because

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it’s a thing, and you do miss them.

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And missing somebody is a glorious thing.

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Not missing is not a glorious thing. Right. The fact that someone

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would go and there would be an empty space and that you would miss

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them, that’s a good thing. And so I

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think it was important for us all to cry and not just, say, dried up,

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get over it, you know, but give each other a hug and

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acknowledge the loss and the mess. I think that was really important.

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I did not learn until years later. I’m trying to think of

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when this would have been. I don’t think it was with Anderson. Maybe it was

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with Savannah Ann, but they were talking at some time

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when they were back home. And he said, yeah, I cried myself

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to sleep the first few nights. And he said, you know, you come

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out of a family of nine, seven kids and two

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parents, and then you’re in a dorm room by yourself, and the

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silence echoes, and, you know,

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there’s oatmeal. It’s just.

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He said to go from the glorious chaos

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to just me, that was

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hard on him. So he had, like, the opposite thing than what we had, you

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know what I’m saying? Yeah. He just had himself, and there was this

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silence. We kind of had both the same thing. Right.

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But we also had opposite things, you know? Cause he didn’t have anybody to hug

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or anybody to, you know, give a tissue to. I mean, he was

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the Lone ranger in the big city, so it was both of

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us, and I. And I think it was really important. We sent him

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packages, and everybody would sign the card and

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everything. I would say, though, I don’t think subtraction ever gets

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easier. I’m not a math girl, and subtraction

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was always a thing for me. And being dyslexic did not help that.

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And so I loved addition.

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I loved bringing a new person home. Subtraction’s

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hard. And every one of the kids, and I’m sure

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this is true for you with your girls, they bring something different to the

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table. And so Brooklyn has

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her thing that she brings to the table, and you’re just like, ah. And

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so every subsequent one, there’s something else that’s revealed

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that’s missed that, you know? So

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I think that that’s valuable, too, to have those conversations. What do you

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miss? What are you thinking about? You know, if. Why don’t you catch one? If

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I’m crying or you’re crying, and to laugh about it and talk about it and

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give them a call. But I really, really think it’s important to

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acknowledge the grief and that you miss them. Yeah, I think

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that’s really important. Now, when we. One year,

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we launched two in the same year, and I’m just going to say, I do

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not recommend that. So we took two

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different kids to two different institutions in two weeks,

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and it was our second son and our oldest

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daughter. And so we’d already.

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I think we took. Yeah, we took

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Savannah in first, and we had everything packed in the

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van and everything that we needed, and I had to run back in

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and get something. I mean, surely you can appreciate you think you have everything until

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you realize you don’t. And so I was back in the cardinal, and Joseph

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ran up the stairs. So he’s second to the youngest, and he was crying,

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and he said, mommy, please tell her she can’t go. Please tell her she has

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to stay home. And I was just like, oh, buddy. You know, I

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mean, yeah, the youngest. Yeah,

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that’s. And I don’t think it doesn’t matter if you have 21, if you have

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two. It’s tough to be the youngest one to be left

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because you’re launching these other ones off on their own adventure,

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and it’s tough in a different way for them. But then you’re left in the

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hollowness. You’re left seeing where they used to stand or where they used

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to sit or what they used to, and that’s tough.

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And then the youngest, when we dropped

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Benjamin off, someone gave us some really good advice, and they said,

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you need to do something when you drive away from campus,

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you know, because with everyone else, we had each

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other to grieve with. Right. It was

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really hard on Ben to come home after he dropped off Joseph again. He’s

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gone from being the youngest of seven to being the only of seven.

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I mean, silence echoes that was tough.

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But then dropping him off, someone

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said, you need to. You’re gonna

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need to have something to do. And I think that that was really good

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advice. We actually, for me, I like

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to get my stress out through physical activity. And so we went on

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a hike in the smoky mountains, and I think that’s really what we both needed,

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you know, to get out in creation. It was beautiful. We

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hiked and the leaves were beautiful, and we were along a

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creek, and we got lost and it was awesome.

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But I think that that was a really good piece of advice that somebody gave

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us just to sort of sit in it and reminisce and remember

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and laugh and cry. That was really good. Yeah.

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So, you know, I’m not to make this like a depressing episode or

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anything. I mean, it’s the reality of that and it’s the reality of being a

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homeschool parent. Not to say that people who don’t homeschool their kids don’t miss their

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kids when they launch them. Right. But there’s just a different kind of relationship you

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have with your kids when you’re with them for 24 hours a day, seven days

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a week for their entire 1st 18 years. And I

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remember though, when I was 19 years old, my parents moved to a

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different state and they wanted me to go with them. And my

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life was in California and I was like, I’m not leaving. They went to

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Idaho. I was like, why don’t I go to Idaho? I don’t know anybody in

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Idaho. And so I stayed back home. And I remember the

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day they left and we all acted like we

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were strong and we were happy about this change. I mean, they

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begged me to go with them and I said, no, I can’t do that. But

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I remember just kind of acting, pretending like I had it all

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together. I was fine, I was going to make it on my own and

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I did. But when they drove away, I just broke.

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And it was, I was devastated because my parents were leaving me,

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you know, but now I can look back

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and I can see God’s hand in everything, you

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know, the way the whole way my life unfolded. As a matter of fact, it

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was just a couple months after that that Garrett and I started dating. Six

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months later. Well, I guess two months later we were engaged and then six months

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later we were married. So within less than a year we were already married. And

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I wouldn’t have had that if we had, if I had gone with them,

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you know? And so it’s neat to just see how God’s hand

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is at work, even through the difficult times. And I know you’ve

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seen that with your kids as you’ve seen them move into adulthood

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and have kids of their own. You’ve gotten to see God’s hand

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on their lives individually. And it doesn’t mean it’s been perfect in every

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way. Right. But how, what is the relationship

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like now with them as adult kids

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and maybe talk a little bit about how where

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you are with them now, how that was affected by the

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fact that you were home with them and had such

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a deep relationship with them because if you didn’t have a deep relationship, you know,

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it would have been, see you later, kid. You know, call us at Christmas time.

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We might leave the lights on for you. Maybe. Maybe we

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won’t. Yeah. I do think you’re

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hitting on something really substantial and significant, and that

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is the depth of the relationship as a

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homeschool mother is just different. I mean,

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again, to your point, I don’t think it means

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that, that parents who send their kids to an

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alternative schooling situation can’t be as

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invested or as engaged

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with their children. I just think that it’s. I think it’s more fundamentally

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required in home education. Maybe that’s the way to say it. I’m not sure.

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But, yeah, I think the hardest part for me is for years and years and

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years we read the same books. I knew where you

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were emotionally. I knew you had

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a disappointing soccer game. I knew that, you know, you got lost on the way

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home or you were an offender bender or, you know, you hit the

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wrong key in your music lesson. I mean, I

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00:20:24,586 –> 00:20:28,338
knew. I kind of knew where you were in your orbit.

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Yeah. And now I don’t know. And that

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was just so

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as hard as it is to have them all home and have them

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all in their

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immaturity, working through their own stuff,

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but you’re all working through, they’re like, individually working through their own

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stuff, and then as a family, you’re helping them work through that stuff. You know,

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like when one is in a bad mood or one has something

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that’s disappointing or you do or your husband does,

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you’re still working it through together. You still got each other. You can still

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laugh. You can still encourage, scratch it back, give a hug.

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But when they start to go like this,

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it’s so much harder to navigate. It’s so much harder

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because they’re all off doing their own

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00:21:22,254 –> 00:21:24,130
thing and

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because that’s how it is, there’s so much that you don’t know.

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Right. And so the relationships,

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while still prioritized, I mean, I’ve been very grateful that the kids

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still call each other and text each other. It just warms

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00:21:41,790 –> 00:21:44,658
my heart when I, I’ll talk to somebody and they go, yeah, I’m just off

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the phone with so and so. You know, they’ve, or their family

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00:21:48,546 –> 00:21:51,906
text thread. You know, they’ll, they’ll say and they’ll joke with each

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other or, I got a note the other day from one of my brothers or

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sisters. I’m just like, I mean, that just makes your heart sink. Right.

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But it’s still different. And

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as the mom, I think, and I’ve said this

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to them, I think one of the hardest things about stepping into

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00:22:11,760 –> 00:22:15,184
the whole adult parent of an adult, of adult

365
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children. First of all, I don’t think I did it really well.

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I wanted to do it really well. I think it’s really tricky.

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I think it’s trickier when they’re older to know.

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Cause they’re still all independent people with different needs and different

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communication styles. And

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I. It’s hard, though, when you’re the mom and

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when you were all together, everybody knew. And now, like, you and your

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00:22:45,134 –> 00:22:48,854
husband hold knowledge about them as individuals

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that collectively they don’t know. Yeah. And

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while that is an honor and a privilege, it can also

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be difficult when there’s conflict and you’re just

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sort of like, ah, if you only knew XDev. And yet I can’t

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00:23:04,920 –> 00:23:08,256
tell you x. And so you don’t know

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x and trying

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to navigate that well and encourage.

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I thought I was dependent on God. I thought I was in constant prayer

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when they were young, when they would come and tell conflicting

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00:23:24,528 –> 00:23:27,920
stories, and I would beg God to give me discernment. Who’s telling the truth,

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right? I’m still praying for that kind of

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discernment from goddess. You know, how do I help them

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help each other and see each other and love each other and still

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give each other grace? And so

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I think I’m very grateful that God continues to grow us through this

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sanctification process of parenting. And this phase

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00:23:51,856 –> 00:23:55,656
of adult children is a whole different kind

390
00:23:55,688 –> 00:23:59,234
of sanctification. Yeah. Yeah. You never stop being

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00:23:59,432 –> 00:24:02,830
parent. You never stop. Now, your role changes in how

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00:24:02,870 –> 00:24:05,862
you interact with your kids because you’re no longer their

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00:24:05,926 –> 00:24:09,654
authority. Right. And I find it interesting, you know, where God says,

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you know, children are to honor their. He tells them to obey their parents,

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but then he also talks about children honoring their mother and father

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00:24:18,270 –> 00:24:21,598
once they hit adulthood, you know. Now, of course, you know, and we’re in this

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00:24:21,614 –> 00:24:25,376
weird transition phase with Brooklyn where because she’s, she’s, you know, soon

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to be 19 and she’s an adult, and so she’s taking on adult

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00:24:29,040 –> 00:24:32,600
responsibilities, but she’s still a kid. And so we still do get to boss her

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00:24:32,640 –> 00:24:36,240
around a little bit, you know, but we have to be very careful and

401
00:24:36,280 –> 00:24:39,864
choose the things that we’re intentionally instructing her

402
00:24:39,912 –> 00:24:43,300
in because it’s, you know,

403
00:24:43,680 –> 00:24:46,936
society has said, you’re an adult, you can do what you want. And

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00:24:46,968 –> 00:24:50,754
so oftentimes it comes back to, well,

405
00:24:50,882 –> 00:24:54,522
you don’t necessarily always have to obey exactly what we say

406
00:24:54,706 –> 00:24:58,362
because you do have some free rein in your life. But I am

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00:24:58,386 –> 00:25:02,082
asking you to honor us right now, especially since

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00:25:02,106 –> 00:25:04,810
you’re still living in our home and under our roof and you have a little

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00:25:04,850 –> 00:25:08,690
sister who’s looking at everything that you do. And. And so, so far, so

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00:25:08,730 –> 00:25:12,370
good, you know, praise God. Um, so far, things are going, um,

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00:25:12,450 –> 00:25:15,832
really well. But, I mean, again, we just graduated.

412
00:25:16,026 –> 00:25:19,520
In May, but you’re doing great, right? Yeah.

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00:25:20,180 –> 00:25:23,932
It’s like when you first become a parent to a baby, you know, or a

414
00:25:23,956 –> 00:25:27,372
toddler, and that first toddler is so well behaved and

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00:25:27,516 –> 00:25:31,292
compliant, and you’re like, I got this under control. I’m such a good mom. And

416
00:25:31,316 –> 00:25:35,132
then he brings another one who’s maybe not as compliant, and you’re like,

417
00:25:35,196 –> 00:25:38,820
man, darn it, I thought I was so good at this discipline thing and raising

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kids, and so. Yeah, well, we’ve got lots more to talk about, but we’re

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00:25:42,676 –> 00:25:46,412
out of time. Rachael, please tell our audience where they can find out more

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00:25:46,476 –> 00:25:49,792
about you and your ministry and all that you have going on. Perfect.

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00:25:49,856 –> 00:25:52,580
So, again, we own Apologia

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00:25:52,960 –> 00:25:56,696
Ministries, and you can find us at Apologia.com

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00:25:56,696 –> 00:26:00,224
I have a podcast, the real refreshment podcast, primarily

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00:26:00,272 –> 00:26:04,024
bible study. And then Davis and I have Let’s Talk Homeschool

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00:26:04,072 –> 00:26:07,896
podcast, and you can find my blog RachaelCarman.com.

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All right, we’ll put all those things in the show notes. Stay tuned to the

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00:26:10,712 –> 00:26:13,864
very end to hear what’s coming up next on the podcast. We love you guys.

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If you’ve not left a review for the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast, would you take just

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00:26:17,430 –> 00:26:20,782
a minute and do that for us? And if you have not listened to our

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00:26:20,806 –> 00:26:24,370
other podcast, including my husband’s new podcast, the Thinking Dad,

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check it out. You can find it anywhere you listen to podcasts. The Thinking

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Dad. So thank you guys for listening. We’ll see you back here next time. Bye.