SR 859: Graduation and Beyond: Life After Homeschooling – Rachael Carman, Part 2 (Through the Years Series)

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I think as homeschool moms, we can think, oh, the best years are behind us.

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The glory years, those golden days when we sat on the sofas and we read

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to each other and we tickled toes and we chased lightning bugs and. And

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I think it’s easy to get to the launch phase, and you’re like, it’s all

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over. Hey, everyone, this is Yvette Hampton. Welcome

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back to the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast. I am back with Rachael Carman, and we’re

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talking about the after years. This is part of our Homeschooling Through the

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Years series, and so hopefully you’ve gotten to enjoy this series. We

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talked about all the different years, so preschool, all the way through

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high school, and now we’re talking about those years that come after, when we launch

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our kids and everybody’s in a little bit of a different season. I know.

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You know, I’ve got two kids, and so we just graduated our oldest,

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but I still have my youngest. We have five years left with her. And I’m

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looking back and thinking, okay, I want to do some things differently with her that

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I wish I had done differently with Brooklyn, but I can’t go back and redo

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it. I didn’t ruin her by any means. But,

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um, and I shouldn’t say I, God has done amazing things with her,

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and we’re so grateful for that. Um, but some of you might

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have, like, Rachael graduated all of your kids, and they’re now all

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into their adult years, or maybe you’ve got little itty bitty ones, and you’re like,

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what do I do now to prepare myself

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for those years of my kids moving into adult

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life? So we’re going to talk more about this, but before we do, I want

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to say thank you to our sponsor, BJU Press Homeschool. If you’re looking for a

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their consultants, and they’ll help walk you through it.

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Bjupresshomeschool.com. Rachael, welcome

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back to the podcast. Man, you know, as we

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think about those, those early years, I think one of the questions

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that I’ve always asked myself through the years of homeschooling is

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how, looking at the end in mind, which we talk about all the time on

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the podcast, how do we prepare our kids

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for? And we talked a little bit on in the last episode on Monday

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about kind of what it’s like, how

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it unfolds. And I know it sounds depressing,

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but that’s the reality of our kids. And. And I think all of our

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parents went through that when we moved into our

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adult lives. Right. It’s just hard. And eventually, you just,

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you know, you ease into it. Um,

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and it’s. It’s hard, but eventually it’s okay.

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Yeah. Yeah. So I don’t know that there’s a great way to just prepare ourselves,

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except to just know what’s to be expected and know that if you’re

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grieving your children graduating or going away to college

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or going away to tech school or getting married or whatever it is that they’re

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doing, it’s okay to mourn through those years, as you

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said. And I appreciate that you said that, Rachael. But as we’re

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looking at our young kids, how do we prepare

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them for moving

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into these adult years? Yeah, I mean, that’s a great question.

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And, you know, related. I don’t think we need

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something that’s bothered me, and I’m trying to keep that list

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short, you know, because some people, by the time they’re really old, everything bothers them.

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I don’t want to be that person. But one of the things that I

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think is unfortunate, and culture does this sometimes, and they

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talk about, best years of my life are high school. I think, as

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christians, I think every year gets to be the best year of our life

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as we pursue God and see what he’s doing and rest in his

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sovereignty and continue to expand our

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understanding of hope that we have of salvation and his redemption.

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So I think as homeschool moms, we can think, oh, the best years are behind

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us, the glory years, those golden days when we sat on the sofas and we

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read to each other and we tickled toes and we chased lightning bugs and.

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And I think it’s easy to get to the launch phase, and you’re like, it’s

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all over. It’s all over. I don’t think

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it needs to be that. I think. I really think it can

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be a time of great rejoicing and reminiscing,

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and I think it’s similar for our kids. I don’t. I don’t want my kids

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to think their best days are behind them, you know, when they were at home

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or even when they were in college or. I really. I think

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as christians, our birthdays are ahead of us. Right. When

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he returns, those are. That’s the best. So it’s not behind us.

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It’s ahead of us. And I. My mom did a really good

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job of

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framing. So I was a preacher’s kid, and

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as a preacher’s kid and the. And the denomination that we

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were in, for better or for worse, we moved a lot

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through my childhood. I did not have a

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picket fence, steady address through my childhood.

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We moved very frequently, and that was very

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hard and very difficult. And I will say,

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honestly, there are still things I’m overcoming. I

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didn’t know how to establish or maintain long term

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friendships because it wasn’t worth it. Cause I was just gonna leave.

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And so. And that’s. That’s something that even at my age,

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I’m still. I’ve got a very. I’ve got some very, very

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patient people in my life that have been very kind and teaching me what

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friendship actually looks like. Cause I just didn’t have a picture

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of long term friendship. All that to

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say, every time we were going to move,

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and I just think this was the Holy Spirit, my mom would say, we’re off

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on a new adventure, and she would talk about the move as this

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new adventurer. And we even had a stint

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overseas as missionaries, and we were packing, and it was going to be

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this great adventure. You know, I would add to that,

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we are off on a new adventure. What

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might God do, right? We didn’t have that element. Strangely.

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I think that’s how we can continually cast a vision for our children

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for whatever change. And I think even when they’re young

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and we’re maybe moving, right,

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or maybe dad’s starting a new job, or maybe we’re doing new

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curriculum, or maybe we’re joining a co op, or maybe

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we’re going to be in a new community or a different church, I

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think. Or sending them to camp like you sent your daughters this year. I think

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those are all good things for our children to experience, and I

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think it’s good. I think too often we just

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do things and we don’t acknowledge that we’re doing new, hard, challenging

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things because we’re the adults and we have forgotten. We’ve grown

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past the scary and the fear,

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and it would behoove us to help our children and say,

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wow, I know you must be excited about this, but you might

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be a little fearful, too, right? This might be a little scary. Or if they

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don’t want to go into the new Sunday school when, you know, whatever, they don’t

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want to start a juana, or maybe they don’t want to go to the co

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op or whatever, just to

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try to remember that, you know, that was hard. But I think

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when we frame it, you know, what might God do? Because God’s already gone

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into this. God’s already in Awana. God’s already gone into the co

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op. God’s already gone before. You know, that passage he goes before, walks with

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and cleans up behind us. Actually, that’s the RRSV that he

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cleans up behind us. It’s actually he hems us in from behind, but I actually

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need him to clean up behind me, and that’s the redemption part. Right. So

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I think to talk to our children about that

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throughout their life, when they’re going to go to camp

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or it’s, they’re going to go to driving school, you know, there are things

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that they face that I think sometimes we just expect them to buck up and

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take it. That can have a fair amount of

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fearfulness associated with them. And certainly launching after

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high school, that can be terrifying. I mean, what am I going to do? Am

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I going to go to college? Am I going to go to a trade school?

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Am I going to do a gap year? Am I going to. What am I

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going to do? That can be really scary. And so I think

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the sooner you start talking about that and

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assuring them of God’s presence already there

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that they’re not going to go somewhere he’s not,

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I think that can be very, very helpful. That’s true. And even when we

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launch our kids, I think it’s important for them to know that

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we’re still here. I’m not going to chase you down, and I’m not

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going to hover like a helicopter, but I’m right here. If you want to

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call or talk or text, I’m right here and I’m

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rooting you on, you know, I think that’s important. Yeah.

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Oh, that’s such good stuff, Rachael. Every kid, when

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they graduate, everybody in the world, it seems, is

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asking them, what are you going to do next? What are you going to do

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next? What are you going to do next? What are you going to do next?

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And it’s just a natural question to ask. It is. It is. It

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is such a hard question when, you know, I would say most

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kids, there are those kids who know, like, I’m going to go to school, I’m

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going to study engineering or I’m going to become a doctor, I’m going to become

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a lawyer. I’m going to become, you know, I’m going to go to trade school

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and become, you know, an electrician or a plumber or whatever. There are

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those kids who know, you know, from the time they’re in 7th grade. Like, they

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know what they want to do. But I would say the large majority of kids,

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they don’t really know. Like, they’re just trying to get through those

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childhood years. Yeah. And they get bombarded with all of

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the questions. And so I think that’s such a great point of. Of

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just preparing them, even in the little things. Don’t be

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fearful. Trust the Lord. God has a plan. I’ve told my girls since they were

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born that they were created on purpose, for a purpose. And so they have a

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purpose in this life. And that’s always been our big thing, is telling your girls,

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like, whatever you do, God already has it

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all planned out for you. He knows what he made you for.

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He made you with certain gifts and talents and abilities, and that may change

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over time. I mean, you and Davis have changed careers

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several times. Garrett and I have changed careers several times. I never would have

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imagined I’d be podcasting now. I mean, that it didn’t even

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exist when we got married, you know? So how could I have known that? But

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God brings different things into our lives, and he prepares us for those things. And

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I can look back now at my life, my early

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adult years, and see how God prepared me then for what I’m doing

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now. But, yeah, so preparing our kids when they’re

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young for what’s to come is

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such a great reminder. And then, like you said, just them knowing that we’re here

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for them all the time. And again, you know, like we were talking

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earlier, the grieving, when you take

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one off to college, grieving with the other ones left behind. I think

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it’s really important, as our kids face the great unknown

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of graduation, that we don’t just

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skim over it and just say, ah, it’ll be fine. It’ll be great. You’ll make

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friends. It’ll be fast. I did it. It’ll be great. Yeah, I.

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You know, no, so let’s talk about that.

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I hear that you’re really fearful, and you’re kind of

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afraid. Can you. I think it’s always important.

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I think you and I have talked about this a couple of times, and this

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may just be my thing, but I think it’s so important to

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dare, whether our kids are literally having

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a nightmare or they’re facing a fear or something

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that they’re intimidated by or frightened by, if we

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would dare to sit with them and open

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the door to the closet where they think the monster is and face the monster

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with them. Yeah, I think that that is something

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that is so powerful. So if you’ve got a child

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that is graduated, and they’re just, they’re almost terrified of graduation.

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They’re almost, because, and that question, oh, the fact that you

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even mentioned that, that brings back so many memories. All of my children were like,

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I just wish people would stop asking me, I don’t know already. And I just

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kept saying, you know, they’re, and this is what I would say. They’re

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not really asking. It just is. It’s like, how are you doing?

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Fine. It’s just, it’s the natural thing, too. They’re not even asking. And then they’re

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like, why that? You know, so is this thing. But I think, and

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it’s not just about graduation. It could be about their

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faith in goddesse. It could be about any number of things.

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But when your kids have that fear, and, you know, the

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fear is from the enemy. And so if the enemy of their

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souls, or our souls, yours and mine, can fan up fear, he’s going to

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do it every day of the week. And we need to dare to meet each

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other in our fears and not just go, oh, get over it, buck

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up. We need to be able to say, I’m so sorry. That must be

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very scary. Right? I’m right here.

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Would you want to talk about what it is you’re afraid of? Have you dared?

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Several of my children, all of my children

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have had various fears. And

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consistently, I’ll say, you know, if you want to open the closet door and look

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at the monster, I’m right here. We can do it together.

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I think daring to look the monster in the

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eye with somebody is such a gift.

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And, you know, really trying to dissect what is it is you’re

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afraid of. Sometimes there’s all this fear in our head, between

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our ears, and if we can just find a safe person to have

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that conversation with, which, by the way, that’s not

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cool. It’s not cool to be afraid. It’s not cool to be

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fearful. It’s not cool not to know if you as

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the parent can be somebody that your kids can be safe enough to be

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honest about the fact that they’re afraid. They don’t know and they’re scared. Yeah,

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I mean, nailed it. That is huge.

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And that will, you’ll reap dividends from that. But just

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to say, you know, if you’ve taken some time maybe to journal what it is,

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do you, I hear you’re scared, but have you, can you, can you break it

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down anymore? Can you unpack it? Can you take that apart

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anymore? And you don’t have to tell me. Maybe you just tell your journal.

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Maybe we circle back tomorrow when you go for coffee.

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But just creating a space where

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they can have the freedom to acknowledge that and not just have

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to, you know, like I said, buck up and deal with it.

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Right. Right. Because we all need that, ideally, like, in our marriages,

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ideally. I don’t know if you’ve outgrown fear. I have not outgrown

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fear. Nope. Definitely not. From time to time, I would

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just. Ah. And God’s blessed me with a man that I can

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go to, and I’m like, I had just. This has

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taken me under. I really need you to hear this. I need to say

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this. And just like that, it’s a gift in marriage.

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I think we, as parents, need to be able to give that to our kids.

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And I think what’s terrifying, honestly, you know, we’ve

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worked so diligently. We’ve graduated these kids, and they don’t know what

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they’re going to do. Great. It’s easy, I think,

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as parents, homeschool parents, I’ll say

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maybe specifically to feel embarrassed

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or ashamed. What do we do wrong that they don’t know what they’re going to

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do? You know what? You didn’t do anything wrong. Right? It’s a big

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world. There are lots of choices. It is overwhelming. It’s

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exhausting to get to the graduation line, for heaven’s sake. Right?

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So to Darren, sit there with that in them and give them the

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space and the time to sort it

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out and seek God’s will and maybe try a few different things, you

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know, I would say, I’m trying to think of all of

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the kids. They didn’t all stick with one thing all the way

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through. We chased a lot of different things with them. We considered a lot of

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different things. We researched a lot of different things. But again, being

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that safe person, that they can be honest about where they are and how they’re

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feeling. Huge. Huge. And

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if you miss that, God redeems. Right.

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If you blundered that, if you go back. But I’m here to

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tell you to establish yourself as that go to person for your

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kids, you will never regret that. Never regret that. Well,

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and that starts way, way back in the early years of building that rapport

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and relationship with them, so that when they get to that point, they will trust

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you to be able to go to you with all of their feelings and fears.

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So let’s take a break. We’ll be right back. Have you tried

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my children for more than five years now. I have six children using

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today at Apologia.com. We are

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back with Rachael. You know, before the break, you were talking about fear and about

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our kids being fearful. But as you were talking, I was thinking about us

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as parents. Like, we’re fearful, too, when they lie. And that’s, I

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think that’s the thing, is that it’s all the questions,

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you know, what are they going to do? How are they going to make a

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living? Who are they going to marry? Are they going to move away

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from, you know, the town that we live in? Are they going to go to

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college? Are they going to get into college? Are they going to get a scholarship?

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Are they going to get a job? Or. I mean, there are a million

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different questions that we have as parents. And so I know for

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myself, all of these ideas are always playing through my mind,

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wondering, what is it going to look like? What is her future going to

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look like? And have I done a good enough job

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following God’s plan for her life as

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I’ve raised her and as Garrett has raised her, for her to

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go into these adult years and make the best decisions? And

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it’s so hard to let go and allow

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our kids to make decisions that are gonna be wrong. Like, we know

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absolutely without a fact or without a doubt, we know that for a fact,

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our kids are gonna make some decisions that are gonna be different than what we

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would make for them or that we would desire for them to make,

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you can better, and we have to allow them to fall a little

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bit. And I think I’ve. I’m pretty certain I’ve shared this analogy

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on the podcast before, but I remember, um, when I

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became a Christian is August 2, 1989, at Hume Lake Christian

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campsite. And I remember the speaker, um, Dave Moore, he was talking about

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when. When babies are just learning how to walk. And I know

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one of your grandsons is just at that phase where he’s learning how to walk.

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And so they’ll take a few steps, and then they fall down. And a good

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loving parent doesn’t say to that child, you know, you stupid

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kid, get up. Why can’t you walk? Why can’t you take a few steps without

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falling down? No, no. A loving parent is going to take

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them by the hand and lift them up, back onto their feet, and they’re going

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to take a few more steps and fall down. And that’s what I, that’s

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the image I get with, with God, with us. You know, he is our loving

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father who picks us up when we fall and he

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dusts us off and, okay, let’s try it again. And it’s the same

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way with our kids going into these adult years. They’re going to fall, and it’s

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scary because we don’t want them to fall too hard

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or too far. It’s scary to allow them to fall

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and know that they’re going to, but then come alongside of them

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and pick them back up. And so there’s all these fears that we have

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as their parents, because we can see their.

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We can see life in the world from a different perspective than what they can

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see it from. Yeah, but we also need to be that for each

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other. We need to be there as friends and community for one another so that

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we can. You talked about them having a safe person, you as their parent, being

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that safe person that they can go to. Well, we need that as well. You

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know, Rachael, you’re one of those safe people for me that I’ve been able to

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go to you and say, hey, Rachael, I’m really struggling with this.

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Please help walk me through this. What advice would you give me? And I have

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trusted people in my life. You know, my mom is one of those people, too,

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where I can go to her and just say, hey, can you just help me?

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Can you just hold my hand through this time? Because it’s scary. And I don’t

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know what direction to go. And so we need that

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as their parents, as we’re launching them. Yeah, that’s an excellent

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point. I mean, I’ve said this so much in the last few

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years, and I. I really mean this.

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The enemy has worked overtime to convince us that we

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don’t need each other. And we desperately need each other so much. We

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need him more than anything. But we need to dare

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to include each other in our hurts and

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our difficulties and our challenges. I mean, it’s great to have people to come to

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my birthday party. Yeah. But what about my really bad

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day? I need somebody on my really bad day. Right. I mean, so

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we do. We need to lock arms with each other. We need to dare to

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be honest. We need to dare to ask for accountability. And

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we need. I think our fears are best faced in

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community. And I think the first step and the

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fears that we face, because everything you said is true. I mean, we do. And

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I don’t care how good you think you did, it’s still

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terrifying to launch them. I don’t care if you think you did

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everything perfect. Congratulations, by the way. It’s still terrifying

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to send them out into the big, bad world.

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I think it’s very valuable. Very valuable. Just like I

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challenge my children to lay out their fears, to journal them.

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We’re a big journaling family. I find it to be very beneficial to

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just get it out of your head. Yeah. Or haunt you. It gets stuck up

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there and it just goes crazy. But as the

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parent dare to journal, just lay it out before the Lord. You

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know what I’m afraid of? Well, let me tell you. And just write it

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out. And I take my cue from the psalms. You

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know, you read the psalms of David and the Rawness. The raw.

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I mean, you read some of the psalms, you’re like, are you really saying this

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to God? I mean, do you. I mean, really, you know, this is the God

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of the universe you’re lamenting to right now. Exactly. And you’re, like, really

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ticked. But what’s beautiful is just hang with it,

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because by the end of the psalm, he’s come full circle. You are mighty. My

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trust is in you. My hope is in you. You are faithful. You are everlasting.

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You, you, you. Well done. And that’s our

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example, right? So in my journal, I have pages of

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fears, you know, where I’m just like, okay, God dropped him off.

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Yikes. Or just hung up the phone.

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Omg. And just list it. And

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you know what the holy spirit of the living God does is? He comes in

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as I’m emptying out all my fears and reminds me who God

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is and assures me with his holy

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spirit. I’ve got this. Yeah, I’ve got this.

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You don’t have it. You’re right, you don’t have it. And it’s

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terrifying. I’m here and I’ve got it, and

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I. And that doesn’t mean so, you know, I’m gonna jump right

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in. That does not mean that they

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don’t still make some monumentally

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tragic and I disappointing choices.

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Sure, because they do. Yeah. Because just like I do.

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Sinful humans. Yep. Right. And so I think, you

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know, free agency is a thing, and that’s probably a topic for its

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own podcast, but that is the ultimate

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step, I think, is knowing that God created all of us as free

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agents. We all get to choose. Yeah. And our kids are no

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different, and they get to choose. And

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in those choosings, God is

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sovereign. And he’s got a plan. And he’s got a plan not just

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for them and their bad choices, but he’s got a plan for us and their

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bad choices. Yeah. So, yeah. And in their good choices,

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too, you know, as we watch them. Amen. You know, strive forward

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and make good choices that are honoring to the Lord. We can celebrate

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those things with them. And, you know, that’s when they’re. They’re taking.

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They’re off and running at this point, you know, and then they might trip and

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fall. Yep. But they’re. They’re off and running with their lives

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and. And then they always know who they can come back to when, exactly. Getting

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a little bit difficult. And I’m so glad you mentioned that because

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I really want to encourage people. Celebrate the good choices.

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Yeah. Make much of the good choices. You know, if you can go

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out, you know, we had one of our kids, not a math

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kid, aced a math test. Right. And really needed to. For

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some other thing that they were trying to do. I don’t remember. I don’t remember

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all the circumstances we literally drove up to celebrate, you

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know, because it was worth that to be there or send a card or

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something. But don’t miss those moments of celebration. Just

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don’t. There’s going to be moments of frustration and disappointment. Right.

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That’s a different thing. But don’t miss the opportunity to celebrate the goodness

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of God when they get into their program or get selected for something or

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pass a test or whatever. Make sure you make much of what

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God’s doing and how he’s moving. Yeah. And again, that goes back to the

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earliers. With our kids as they’re doing things, you know, that are

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praiseworthy, praise them even if it’s the smallest thing, you know, if they put their

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bowl in the sink instead of leaving it on the kitchen table. Thank you, Jesus.

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That’s right. You know, that was a great job, you know. Thank you for doing

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that. I really appreciate that. Like, finding opportunities all the time

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to praise them through their childhood, because then it just becomes the natural thing to

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do as they’re moving into adulthood and as they’re adults,

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you know? Wow, I love that you got that promotion at work. I mean, it

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happened recently. You know, Brooklyn, she. She’s

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applying for a management job. I don’t know if she’ll get it. You know,

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there are others applying stuff, but she came home and told us that we were

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like, we’re so proud of you. Like, that’s. That takes some guts to

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even be can, you know, even to consider that you would do something like that

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and want to take on that responsibility. You know, it’s. It’s those little things

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that we have to just go because we could have said, oh, yeah, okay, well,

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that’s great. Let us know if it works out, you know? But no, we were

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like, that’s awesome. We’ll be praying for you. I hope it works out for you.

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If that’s God’s will. Amazing. So. Right. Oh, so many

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opportunities. But we are out of time. So we’re going to come back tomorrow, talk

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more about this. Rachael. Tell us again where we can find all

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00:26:56,340 –> 00:26:58,884
things Rachael Carmen and Apologia. Okay.

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00:26:58,932 –> 00:27:02,060
Apologia.com Real Refreshment

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Podcast and blog. RachaelCarmen.com. and

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I also a podcast with Davis. Let’s Talk Homeschool.

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Awesome. We will put those links in the show notes. Stay tuned at the very

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end to hear what’s coming up tomorrow on the podcast. And we love you guys.

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We love you so much. We are so grateful for you, our audience. If there’s

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any way that we can be praying for you, always feel free to shoot us

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an email at Podcast@SchoolhouseRocked.com, and

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we will be sure to be praying. We love you. Have a great rest of

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your day, and we will see you back here tomorrow. Bye.