“One of the ways that you can give them more security in going, more confidence in going, is that they know that their going isn’t gonna destroy the two of you.” ~ Rachael Carman
Watch this full interview on our YouTube Channel.
Are you prepared for life after graduation? Join Yvette Hampton and guest Rachael Carman as they discuss navigating the years after homeschool graduation. In this insightful edition of our Homeschooling Through the Years series, learn how to support your adult children while fostering their independence. Discover tips for maintaining strong marriages during the empty nest phase and cultivating healthy relationships with your grown kids. Don’t miss this valuable advice for parents transitioning into a new season of life.
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Recommended Resources:
Real Refreshment Podcast, with Rachael Carman
Let’s Talk Homeschool Podcast, with Rachael and Davis Carman
Rachael’s Blog – RachaelCarman.com
Rachael Carman – Parenting “That” Child
More from Rachael Carman on the Schoolhouse Rocked Podcast
Monica Swanson – Becoming Homeschoolers: Graduation and Beyond
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Discussion Questions:
1. What challenges have you experienced or anticipate experiencing in the transition from homeschooling to your children being adults?
2. How can you find the right balance between providing wise counsel to adult children while avoiding being controlling or overbearing?
3. Rachael suggests listening more than speaking when communicating with adult children. How can active listening and asking open-ended questions help them think through issues?
4. In what ways can having additional mentors and wise counselors beyond their parents benefit adult children in making good decisions?
5. For married adult children, why is it important for parents to allow them to “leave and cleave” and to establish their own family identity and norms?
6. What are some practical ways parents can invest in and prioritize their marriage relationship while still dedicating much time and energy to homeschooling?
7. How can allowing your children to regularly witness your love and affection as a married couple provide them security and a healthy model for their future marriages?
8. Yvette and Rachael discuss the value of regular date nights, even if it requires creative childcare solutions. Share ideas for keeping marriage a priority amidst busy parenting years.
9. In what ways does a strong, Christ-centered marriage provide an essential foundation of stability for the family, especially as children launch into adulthood?
10. Reflect on how your own journey and growth in marriage can promote grace and understanding as you observe your adult children navigating their own marital journeys.
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I think it’s better, especially with our adult children,
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to seek to really understand. So, asking open
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ended questions, can you help me understand? Would you be willing to unpack
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that a little further and what you’re doing and
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not a manipulative way? You’re actually helping them think through the problem
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or the question or the situation or the issue. Right.
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Without solving it for them. Hey, everyone, this is Yvette
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Hampton. Welcome back to the Schoolhouse Rocked podcast. I am back with
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Rachael Carman, and we’re talking about the after years. This is part of
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our homeschooling through the years series. So if you missed the last two
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episodes with Rachael, go back and listen to those, because then today’s episode will make
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a little bit more sense to you. But if you’ve missed the whole series, go
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back and listen. We’ve been on this for several weeks now, and we’ve
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talked about all the different phases of your kids childhood.
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So from preschool all the way through high school, we’ve broken them up by,
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you know, preschool, elementary, middle school, high school. And now we’re
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talking about the after years, which is where we are right now. We’re just
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at the very, very. We’re at the door. Um, the. The door is open.
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We have walked through with Brooklyn. She graduated in May,
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and so we are just walking or a few steps into the adult years,
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and it so far has been fun. But as we talked about yesterday, I mean,
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it can come with all kinds of challenges, but God is still so
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faithful, and we know that he is. And so we get to lean on him,
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we get to hold tight to him. And if you are not walking with the
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Lord, let me just tell you, life can be so much better when you do.
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I don’t know how people get through this life without Jesus. I just don’t know.
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I literally don’t know. My husband and I were talking about this the other day,
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and I was like, without God, we would be so hopeless. I mean, there’s just
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no hope in this world apart from him. And so, you
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know, as we’re just navigating this crazy world we’re living in and this weird
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election season and all this stuff, who cares about any of that? Because we
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know that God, he is victorious, and
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we get to be on his team. We get to be part of team
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Jesus, and I’m so grateful. The winning team. Yep. We know who wins in the
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end. So we get to be on his team. We get to serve him. We
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get to surrender to him and obey him and lead our kids to
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hopefully do the same. So, uh, anyway, we’re going to get back into the conversation,
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but before we do, I want to say thank you to our sponsor, BJU Press
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Homeschool. You guys have heard me say it lots and lots, but I’ll say it
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again. If you’re looking for a great homeschool curriculum for any grade, any age, any
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subject, check them out at bjupresshomeschool.com.
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and they will help you homeschool. They will walk you through whatever it is that
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you need. If you’re not sure, call them up, talk to one of their consultants,
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and give them a try. BJU Press Homeschool.com.
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and again, thank you to Rachael and Davis for
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just their incredible support of the Schoolhouse Rocked ministry. We are so thankful for
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Apologia and just for your partnership with us. You guys are
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amazing. So we’re grateful to be with you. Yeah, we love it. All
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part of the body of Christ. That’s right. That’s right. Well, we’ve talked
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about how to prepare ourselves, how to prepare our kids.
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You know, talked about how our adult kids still need us. They
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do. One of the things that I am
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finding to be a little bit difficult, and I would love to hear
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your take on this, as you’ve now launched seven kids,
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is how do we. How do we let go
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and navigate not being controlling and overbearing with our
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kids? Because it’s hard to know. It’s hard to find that
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balance. I’m finding that right now. It’s hard to find that balance of having an
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adult child. That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?
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An adult child. An adult child in the home
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and not wanting to control her.
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I. Or be overbearing, but still wanting to give
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wise counsel and direct her in some ways.
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Yeah. How did you do that with your kids? How do you let go but
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not let go completely? Because you gotta just let those reins out just a little
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bit at a time. Yeah. I mean. I mean, that’s really tough. I mean, it’s.
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There’s not a formula. I still have not gotten into selling
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magic wands or pixie dust. You know, I think that would be so convenient
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if I had a magic pill I could just give everyone. Yeah. Because even from
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child to child, it’s different. Right? I mean, even when you were disciplining your children,
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there wasn’t one method that worked for all of your children. It just. It
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doesn’t work that way. I mean, I remember with our first child, I thought, well,
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I know what to do with the next one. Well, no. They were
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so different. So different. And the fourth was
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different still. And so it’s the same with
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this. You know, what one child thinks is a controlling,
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manipulative statement by mom. The other one thinks is a word of
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encouragement. I mean, give me a break, you know?
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I mean, it’s. It’s really tough, and I think the
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key is to be. I
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think we’ve got to dare to really be engaged in the moment, in the
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conversation, and not try to be, you
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know, typing our grocery list or a text to somebody else. I
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think we need to dare to be present in the
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conversation. And one of the things that I think really goes a
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long way with adult children is listen more than you speak. Oh, yeah.
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Now, again, I’ve terribly failed
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that on more than one occasion because I am not generally. This will
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shock you. I’m not generally hurting for an opinion, but
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what I’ve learned from my very wise and diplomatic husband is
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not everybody needs to know what that opinion is. I could have
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it, but I don’t always need to share it. And so what I really
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think. I think it’s better, especially with our adult
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children, to seek to really understand,
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to really empathize with where they are,
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to really hear them, and really try to make sure you
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understand. So, asking open ended questions, can you help me understand?
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Would you be willing to unpack that a little further? I
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think I must have missed something. I’m sorry if I’m asking you to repeat, you
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know, whatever to really and what you’re doing
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and not a manipulative way. You’re actually helping them think
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through the problem or the question or the situation or the issue.
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Right. Without solving it for them. You’re trying
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to help them think through. So we currently have one
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of our kids
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who’s in just a really lousy job
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circumstance. I mean, just being micromanaged.
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And if you’re an adult and you’ve ever been micromanaged, it’s
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nothing short of torture to have some. Some other adult think that
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they are privy to all of your personal information and they’re gonna
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control your life, and nothing you do is ever. Right. I mean, it’s just
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at my age, I can see it and go, ugh, I can name it
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at 100 yards. But in their situation,
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they have never experienced this before. And, I mean, calling and
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stressed and panicked and confused and, I mean,
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lots of gaslighting’s going on. I mean, it’s toxic.
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Yeah. And so trying to have these
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conversations and help them see it. Right.
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I mean, I can see it. And there may be a
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time we’ve already passed that time when I can name it and
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say, okay, what I’m hearing you say is,
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and my experience, you know, but that’s after a
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lot of conversation, I think when they’re adult children, what
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they need us to do is help them to think it through. I think that’s
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the most valuable thing we can do, you know, and just
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because I think often they can start to see things
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if we can help them downshift and help me
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understand. And you said this. What did you mean by this? And you
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said this and just thinking it through with them that
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way Davis and I
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endeavor not to give unsolicited advice, and
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that is really hard. And try
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to support. We encourage our
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kids to take their time in making decisions that
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we emphasize the proverbs that talk about a
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multitude of counselors make for wise decisions and
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to talk to a lot of different people and talk to their mentors. So
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often if we feel like someone is rushing
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towards a really lousy decision, we’ll say, well, have you talked to
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your mentor? Have you. When’s the last time you talked to your brother? Have you
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considered, you know, just trying to, you know, have
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you. Are you. You need to be talking to other people about this and
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this? I think that that is a very difficult thing for a lot of parents
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because they want to be the go to, right? Yeah. And they don’t want the
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pastor or the mentor or sibling or anybody else on the planet to
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know more than they know. And. And I’m just going to say in
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these strongest terms, we’ve got to dare to get over ourselves,
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and we’ve got to allow other people to have
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authentic, substantive, meaningful voices in our children’s
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lives. And that’s a good thing.
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It can be really hard to see someone else give
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advice that you’ve been giving and they got credit for.
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I mean, that’s just hard. I’ve said that a million
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times. Yeah. Yeah. A million and one times, you know, for
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18 years. And. But I think. I think our focus needs
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to be on the fact that they heard it. Yeah. And not on what the
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source was. Yes. And I really do believe. And
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so here’s something of comfort. And maybe this is for my own comfort. This is
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my own original thing. I like to believe that it was my 1
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million times that made it possible for them to hear it from that person.
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Now, that may not be true at all, but I really like that idea.
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Yeah. I paved the way. Right. So
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I think that’s really important. And certainly our married kids, we do
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not tell them how to run their marriage. We do not tell them how to
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parenthood. We do not. We
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believe strongly in leave and cleave, and we believe in
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covenant. And they need to cleave, they need to meld, they need
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to do some hard things together. I can say they
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are all done things that I’ve disagreed with.
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But I think if you’re a parent, you
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just back up and think when you first got married, how. You know,
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Davis and I recently. Cause our daughter’s getting married. We recent.
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She wanted to watch our wedding, which we have on
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VHS. Oh, nice. Do you have a VHS player?
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Oh, my word, I don’t. Davis must have. Yeah, it was originally VHS,
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but I mean, he’s got it now where we watched it. I am looking at
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these two kids and I’m thinking, what a pair of doofuses. I mean,
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yeah, I had no. I don’t know what I was saying. I didn’t know what
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I was promising. I didn’t know a thing about for better or for worse. I
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did. I did not know. And you just think, God,
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thank you. Thank you that I’m not that person. Thank you for
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all of the junk that you’ve redeemed. Thank you for all of the work you’ve
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done, all of the patience you’ve had with me. Thank you for the journey that
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we’ve been on. And I think that if you’re really
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wise as a parent, you can remember how you started
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off and all the answers you had to marriage and all
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the parenting answers that you had. And you can just think,
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you know what? They’re on a journey, and they’re probably gonna
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soften. The most important thing is that they’re following hard after
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Jesus, and that covers a multitude of sin.
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One of our sons and his wife are doing just a
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beautiful job catechizing our grand, their
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grand, their kids, our grandkids. And it’s just such a joy to go
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over there. They have this beautiful evening routine that they’re going through,
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and they’re going through this little catechism book. And when
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we visit, I get to ask the questions, and he answers the questions.
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And I’m thinking, you know what? There’s a lot of things that just fall away
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in this moment, because this is the most important
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thing. It’s not the most important thing that we do everything exactly the
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same. That is not the most important thing. The most important thing is that we
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acknowledge and worship the king of kings and the lord of lords and so I
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think focusing on that and walking in grace of your
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own journey, that goes a long way. Yeah.
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So good. Let’s take a break. We’ll be right back. Have you
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today at Apologia.com. We are
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back with Rachael. Man, you are so encouraging to me.
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I want to ask one last question. We have a few minutes left,
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and I want to talk about marriage, because this is something that
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I know, especially as homeschoolers, when our kids are with
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us all day, every day. It’s impossible
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for them not to be kind of the center of our world
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because we’re with them all the time. And
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I know we need to work really hard to establish strong marriages while
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our kids are in the home, but I can see it becoming very different.
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And you and Davis are, you’re in that phase now where you’re empty
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nesters and it’s just the two of you. How can
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we prepare ourselves for those years to have a strong marriage? Because you hear
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the stories of parents. You know, who they put everything into
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their kids, and then they look at each other when their kids are gone, and
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they’re like, who are you again? So how can
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we really build strong relationships with our spouses when we
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still have to have our kids kind of. I mean, you know,
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God is the center of our family. Our marriage is the most
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important relationship that we need to display for our kids. But
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our children are just so needy, even in the teen years.
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And so how can we establish strong. A strong
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marriage so that when our kids are all gone,
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they’re living their lives, we can still have a really strong
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relationship with one another. Yeah. You know, I think you’re.
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You’re right. Our kids are really needy. But I think one of the top things
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they need right after Jesus is they need to know that your marriage is a
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priority. And when we were first married, we
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lived in Ohio, and there were five of us young
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families, five on the street, I think that’s right. And we.
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None of us had any money. I mean, we know we didn’t have any money.
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We were trying to pay the, you know, the mortgage. And
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we, all the girls, we had a Thursday night bible study together, and
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we printed what we called baby bucks. And we all
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started off with a certain number of baby bucks, and we used those as
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our currency to watch each other’s children so everyone could go
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on dates. Oh, how fun. And it was perfect because you got a certain
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number based on how many kids you got. And we traded
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off kids all the time so that we could invest in our marriages.
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Your kids need to see you go on dates together.
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They need to see that it’s a priority. Your relationship is a
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priority. And they. I remember the first
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time we got to leave our kids alone by
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themselves. So we had, you know, we got to where we could afford
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a babysitter, but not very often, right? And then we had a regular
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babysitter, and that was out of the park because she was amazing. She always
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did the coolest crafts with the kids, right? She did glitter. And I was an
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anti glitter mother. Me too. But, yeah, I
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confess there should be a support group for us, but she would come over and
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just do the coolest crafts, and that was awesome. But then there came a time
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when our oldest kids were old enough for
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us to go and leave the younger ones with them, which was kind of terrifying
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because we didn’t even have seven yet. We only had six.
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And so I gingerly put my number six in one of those
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saucers, one of those bouncy saucers, and I was like, we’ll be back before
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he’s bored, right? Because I was just like, I’m just. Going to go for coffee
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and come right back. But, you know, it was. It was cool
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because then, you know, for the rest of
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forever, all the other dates that we would go on, they would stay
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there together, and they were really cheap babysitting because we paid
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with chick fil a brownies. That’s not kidding. Which is
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perfect. But I think your kids really need to see
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that. Really, really, really need to see that. And if it means that you
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come along with other couples and you trade off babysitting, do it. If it means
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that there’s an older couple at church that their kids are
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gone and they’re willing to watch your little ones do it,
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find a way. Cause your kids need. Even if it’s putting your kids
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to bed and mommy and daddy are having a date, you
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need to tell them that. Don’t do it. And they don’t know. But say tonight
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you’re gonna go to bed early, and you’re gonna take a couple of
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extra books to bed with you. Or maybe they’re gonna hit the
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goldmine and they can listen to adventures in Odyssey or whatever,
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but you get to go to bed early tonight because I’m taking your mother on
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a date, you know, and you’ve lit candles and you’ve, you know,
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whatever you do. But your kids desperately need that. Yes.
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And because having a good marriage after they’re gone starts before they
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leave, and so really investing in that,
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because all of our kids were like, so what are y’all gonna do? You know?
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Because they had already seen and they really wanted to know
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what we were gonna do. We’re gonna go hiking in the smokies, and I got
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an Airbnb and all this, you know, so they knew that we were going
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to be okay. I think one of the ways that
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parents inadvertently pass on insecurity in their
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kids is when your kids are leaving and they’re afraid that, what are mom gonna
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do? What are mom and dad gonna do? I think one of the ways that
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you can give them more security in going, more confidence in
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going, is they know that their going isn’t gonna destroy
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the two of you. Yeah. And that’s not something you say. That’s
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something you show, by the way, that you engage with each other before
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you leave. And again, I’d say it’s not too late. You can start
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that now and making a priority for that. But your kids, of all the
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things that they need, they need Jesus, and they need to know that
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your marriage is solid and you’re working together, and it’s a priority.
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Yeah, absolutely. So important. I have a
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husband who is so good at flirting with me,
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and he flirts with me in front of my girls. He flirts with me, not
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in front of my girls. Like, and it’s so fun to gross my girls out,
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and we’re not, like, gross in front of them, you know, and we don’t make
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out. It doesn’t take much. Let’s just be honest. It doesn’t take much. Yeah.
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And it’s just. It’s fun. And I love that they get to see a
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dad who is truly. And he’s way better at flirting with me than I am
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at flirting with him. It’s just his nature and mine, you know? But
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it’s just so much fun that they get to see this. And years ago,
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I’m pretty sure it was Brooklyn that drew a picture
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of Garrett and I kissing. And both of the girls
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were, like, hiding behind the wall. And the caption
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from one of the girls said, like, ew, gross or something. And it had,
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like, hearts coming up out of mine and Garrett, you know, and it was so
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funny. And I just was like, praise God for that. I am so thankful that,
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you know, they see us giving each other, you know, a peck on the lips
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and they see us hugging each other and, you know, just. Just
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being loving and flirtatious with one another because they, like you said, they
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need that. They need to see that. They need to know that we see that
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are a priority in that we have. And now it’s easy for us to go
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on dates. You know, we’re in that phase of life where our kids are teenagers.
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We can leave for a whole day if we wanted to,
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and it’s great. We don’t often leave them, but
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we can now we’re in. And for those who have little ones, you’ll get there,
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you know? Exactly. We weren’t always here, but it does happen. And
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so, yeah, the marriage relationship is so, so important because the kids need to
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know that it’s solid. They need that solid foundation of the
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family because it’s really mom and dad who hold the family
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together, you know? Exactly. Right? Don’t underestimate that. Yep.
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Nope. Not at all. Mom, dad. Jesus, that’s it. You know, a family
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can withstand anything, I am convinced.
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Anything if they’re together. So, yeah.
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Rachael, thank you so much for being with us this week. Always a
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pleasure, such a joy. I love, love chatting with you. You’re such an encouragement
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to me. We’ll put links to Rachael Carman in the show notes so that you
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can find her wherever she is. She’s all over the place. You know,
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she often speaks. And so if you. If you’re somewhere and you hear that she’s
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coming to speak. Go listen to her. She is such a
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blast. And come and introduce yourself because I’d love to give you a hug.
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Oh, yeah. I. Yeah. Yes. I love that. I love that you love
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people so much. I do. I do. I really do. Especially the moms. I want
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to hear your story. So come introduce yourself. So good. Well, thank you
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guys for listening. We love you so much and we’re so grateful for you. If
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you’re not signed up for our newsletter, you can go to our website, Schoolhouse Rocked,
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00:22:13,966 –> 00:22:17,014
where you can also stream the movie for free. Rachael’s in the movie. She’s one
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00:22:17,022 –> 00:22:20,590
of our cast members. So you can see her in Schoolhouse
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Rocked, but you can stream it for free and sign up for our
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newsletter there so you can hear all the exciting things that we have coming up.
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We don’t send out a lot of newsletters, but probably one every other week or
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so on average and just let you know what, what we’ve got going on, what
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podcasts we’ve had. We have, you know, that have come out and
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any other exciting things we’ve got. So sign up there, have a great
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rest of your week. Stay tuned to the very end to hear what’s coming up
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next week on the podcast, and we will see you back here then. Bye.