TD 16: Sam Black – Winning the Battle with Pornography in the Church and Home *Bonus Episode*

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I really don’t believe that a spouse, a wife, should ever be

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the accountability partner. Now she gets to know as much as she wants

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to know. But it’s important that you have another man in your

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life that you’re being open and honest with. Why? Because a

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man knows how a man thinks. With a heavy heart

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not brought to you by big pharma and coming to you from a

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decommissioned toll booth in northeastern Oklahoma, I’m

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your host, Garritt Hampton, and you’re listening to the end

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of season bonus episode of the Thinking

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Dad. Well, dads, the first season of the Thinking Dad

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has come to an end, but I’m very happy to bring you this bonus

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episode with Sam Black. You know, we finished our episode and as

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we were talking, Sam said, you know, there’s some stuff we didn’t

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hit that I’d really love to cover. I think it’d be a blessing to your

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audience. So I restarted the recorder and we spent a few more

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minutes talking. I’m really excited to bring you that content right

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now. But first, I want to say thank you to

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CTCMath. You know, this is the first season of the Thinking

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Dad and CTCMath came in as our exclusive

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sponsor for the whole season. They’ve been

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a huge blessing. But even before that, CTCMath was a

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blessing to our family. They’ve been our math provider of

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choice for years in our homeschool.

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Check them out at ctcmath.com. Thank them for

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for yourself. They’ve got a money back guarantee if you don’t like it, but

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I promise you’re going to love it. It’s a great product. Check

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them out. CTCMath.com. Also, I want

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to ask you guys to visit ThinkingDad.net make

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sure you’re signed up for our newsletter there. This is the last episode

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of season one, and we’re not quite sure when season two will

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we can’t do this show without your support. So if you’d like to see another

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season of the Thinking Dad, please drop by

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ThinkingDad.net and make a donation. You can donate one time

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or monthly, and any amount helps. All right, let’s get into our

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conversation with Sam. We carry around with us in our pockets

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the largest library of pornography ever created in the history

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of mankind. And pornography is Undermining

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every ministry of the local church. From young to old,

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men and women are struggling. Well, only about 7%

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of churches are doing anything at all, whether it is

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having conversations and helping train parents on the impact of pornography on children and

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what they can do, or whether they’re providing resources to help men

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and women find freedom themselves. Only

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7%. That’s – that’s too small with a problem this big. So, Sam,

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we understand this is a real problem in the church,

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but we should also not look at it as a finality. Right.

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What, what should the true goal be in restoring pastors

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and restoring churchmen? Yes. Regardless of

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whether you’re talking about a layperson or someone in

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ministry leadership, our absolute primary

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goal is to draw that person closer to

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Christ, to create healing, create

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restoration, and create

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a new heart. Oh, God, if you find any wicked way in

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me, help me. Help me follow

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you in the way everlasting. Right. That’s what we want.

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And so we don’t need window dressings of, hey, that

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was. You’ve been going through a tough time there, or. And we,

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we just prayed for you, and we just know God’s going to move for you.

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You’re going to say, sam, I want you to walk with me for a while,

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and we’re going to go through a real process, a discipleship process that

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draws you closer to Christ. And whether I’m in ministry leadership or some

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other thing, it’s not as important that I return to ministry

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leadership or et cetera. It’s most important that I return

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to Christ. Amen. But it doesn’t happen quickly.

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This doesn’t happen over six weeks or

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one prayer or even a year. This is

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important that we have a real discipleship process that

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takes the time that helps a person heal and

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takes them on a real journey toward freedom

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that now they can give away to others. Amen.

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I want to ask you another question that is just a practical

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application. You also mentioned that this is

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a major contributor to divorce. Yes.

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And. And I imagine half of that problem is

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that men withhold this information. Or women, in cases where they’re

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involved in this, they withhold this information from their spouse

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out of fear of being exposed, out of fear of it opening a

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wide wound. And then once the wound is open, it’s

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very hard to cure that betrayal

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of trust. Right. How should married

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couples address this issue? Let me just. I’m going

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to. I’m going to start at the end of what your question was. And now

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I think it was, once the secret’s

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out, what do we Do. Well, there can be a

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tendency for a man to trickle down

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confessions little by little by little. And I want to say that

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that causes much more pain and damage. It

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destroys much more trust. So let’s not do that

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now. Within the Victory app, by Covenant Eyes, there’s a course in there that talks

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about a safe process for safe

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disclosure and that allows

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full disclosure in a safe

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way that prepares all the hearts involved.

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Right. And so I, rather than

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dissecting that full process, I encourage you to go check that out. In Victory

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out by Covenant Eyes. All of those courses are counselor reviewed.

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So it’s not just like we’re giving you some advice. This

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specific advice is actually written by a counselor. Now, let me go through

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the first part of that question. And that first part of the question was,

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you’re a man and you’re thinking, is this pornography

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use really impacting my marriage and how is it impacting

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her or what I’m doing? Well, it does some of these things.

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On a very practical level, you actually equip.

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You train your brain to crave pornography and

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pornified thoughts while you’re having sex with

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your spouse. You know, that’s.

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That’s why. Why would you need any other thought or

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brain in your brain to make

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you want to either want to reach orgasm

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or et cetera.

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Right. As men grow older, sometimes they find that, you know, in

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their 40s, et cetera, they might begin

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to discover that, hey, I’m. I’m. I’m having some struggles in the

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bedroom. Well, they’ve actually began training their

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brain to possibly. And even

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people in their 20s maybe train their brain to be

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more excited by pornography than they are with their

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spouse. And so some men will like, well, I’m

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not sure why I was struggling. And so they go to pornography to

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see if all the plumbing is working. And, oh, wow, that seems to be

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working. So what else is why? Why? I don’t know why I struggled the other

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night. Well, maybe it’s because you’ve been

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training your brain for pornography rather than

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for your spouse. Wow. So let me ask you

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the inverse of this question. Yeah.

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I know that you suggest in the book that more

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sex with your spouse isn’t a cure for this problem.

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Can you explain that a little bit across the board?

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A number of counselors will say that 30 to 60

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to 90 days of abstinence, both from

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masturbation as well as sex in general,

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is a good reboot so that you are more focused

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on your spouse and all of its forms of

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intimacy, whether it’s a Walk a conversation, all these

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kinds of things. Because it takes about 14 days to reset the

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neurochemistry that’s been craving pornography and

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masturbation. About 14 days to

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reset that neurochemistry. It takes about 30 days

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just to begin gaining confidence that maybe

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I can live without pornography. It takes

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about 90 days to begin really understanding

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what is real intimacy.

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Because often as men, we’ve equated love

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with sex. That intimacy is sex that I

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can’t really live without sex. In fact, my brain or my mind or

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my stability as a person might be compromised if I’m not

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having sex or acting out with pornography.

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Wow. We really corrupted our brain in that

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way, Right? The truth is we can live without

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sex. We can’t live without food.

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But we are all. We are sexual beings. And what

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I have heard counselors say several times is

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that, you know, we. We are. We

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need food to live. We are sexual

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beings. But these are things that, unlike alcohol or

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drugs that can be removed, we are going to

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continue to eat food, and we are sexual beings. So these things need to be

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redeemed, renewed, reformed,

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tempered. And so when you are, if you

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decide to take this 30 days of. Of

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abstinence, let your spouse know that, hey, I’m wanting to

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reset my intimacy with you. Paul even talks about this, taking

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a break from sex, but do that with your spouse and

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so that you can draw closer to Christ. Well, this is just a process to

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do more of that. So I want to ask you then, a

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really. I think this is a hard question, honestly. Yeah.

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Is it appropriate for us as men

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to put our wives into a situation where they are called upon to

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be the therapist, essentially, or the

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accountability partner in this recovery?

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I really don’t believe that a spouse, a wife, should ever

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be the accountability partner. Now. She

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gets to know as much as she wants to know. But it’s important that you

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have another man in your life that you’re being open and honest

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with. Why? Because a man knows how a man

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thinks. Also,

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when you dive deeper into how you’ve used

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pornography in the past, how you’re triggered,

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what kinds of things drive you to pornography, you need to be really open

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and thoughtful about that. And another guy can carry that burden with

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you. But when you are drawing that out to your

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spouse, they can internalize it. They can.

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It can just be so impactful. It’s more weight than they should carry.

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They may want to be your cop where they’re, hey, are you acting out

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what’s going on? Or they may want to be your

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caretaker and now they’re trying to not just be a mom to your

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kids, they’re trying to be a mom to you. And oh my

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goodness, that’s just too much burden to carry. Yeah. It reminds me of

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a time when I. Some years ago. It’s

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been almost two decades ago. I remember looking over my wife’s

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shoulder at a covenantized report and by.

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At that time, they came by email and I saw that she

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didn’t open it. And I said, do you ever look at those?

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And she goes, no. That’s what I got Brian for. You see,

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that wasn’t a weight that she had to carry. She knew another man

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that she trusted to hold me accountable,

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to talk to me more deeply

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and help me grow. Now that is so,

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so important to take that weight off her shoulders.

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But she always gets to say, and who your ally should be.

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Yeah. Because it might be that I could say, hey, you know,

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how about Jimmy? Jimmy would be a good ally for me, don’t you

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think? And she goes, no way. Jimmy is the

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biggest good old boy I have not. No, he’s going to let you get

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off scot free. And I said, well, what about Brian? Oh,

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yeah, Brian’s good. I have faith in Brian that

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he’s going to really walk alongside you.

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Now. You’ve provided reassurance for her and she

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gets. She can go and ask Brian, hey, how’s Sam

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doing? Is he doing okay? Is he meeting with

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you? Is he actually calling you? Is he checking in?

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Yeah, see, that’s important. Yeah. So as you go through that,

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Sam, another really important issue comes

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up, and that’s that men by nature, and

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especially modern men, tend to be

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extremely individual and,

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and segregated. I know as a man, I don’t

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have a lot of close friends and I’m. I’m struck by the

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fact that this is where the church comes in. But how do

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we as men enter into those

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relationships with other men that would help us be accountable? How do

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we seek those out and how do we nurture those relationships?

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Isn’t it amazing how David had

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Jonathan? He had many mighty men

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that he walked with. And he was a powerful dude. Right,

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right. Jesus walked with 12 others he didn’t see and he

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didn’t say, oh, I’ve just got one other guy. And listen, when you go

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out and preach my gospel, just go by yourself.

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Right. No, he didn’t see that. He sent them two by two. Right. He sent

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them together because we need one another. When

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Ecclesiastes 6 says, man, if you’re caught by

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yourself in A fight, you’re going to get beat up.

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But if you’ve got two or three with you, you can defend

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yourself. Right? Right. He’s very clear on that.

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And so we

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like our secrets because we want to look good.

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Garritt, I want you to respect me. I want you

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to think well of me. Right. And if I say, Garritt, man, I’m struggling with

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pornography, well, maybe now

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you’ll think less of me. And my self

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worth is a little bit delicate. And so I can

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project that. I’ve got it all together

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with my hobbies and my work.

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Look how successful I am as a person from doing this or that or

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something else. But I fear being vulnerable

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and being open and honest and. But here’s

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the cool thing. If I’m willing to do that,

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I’m much more strong. I’m much more powerful.

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I’m through Christ, I’m growing in strength.

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Right. Because I’m being fully known

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and fully loved. And so

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often in today’s environment, we hide our true

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natures because we want to be

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known. Right. But we. We fear

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being known. Yeah. And so are we going to be

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men of fear or men of courage? And

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when we’re fully known and fully loved with other

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men who are walking in Christ with us now, we’re courageous,

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now we’re strong. Right? Yeah, man.

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It is imperative to us that we

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take that first step of being fully known.

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My mom. I know this is a simple cliche. My mom used to say

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when I was young, you have to be a friend to have a friend. And

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I know if I’m left to myself, I can work in my office all

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day, I can see my family at dinner and for Bible time at

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night, and I can essentially live by myself. But I also

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know when I take the extra effort of reaching

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out to friends, of arranging lunches or dinners or

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whatever, that’s those times when I’m able to build those friendships.

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The other thing, Sam, is we. We’ve spent much of our

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conversation on the church. It’s imperative that we’re in the

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body. Absolutely. Yeah. I appreciate

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what you’ve done here, Sam. Thank you. Is there anything else you’d

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like to touch on before we wrap up? Well,

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there’s a whole book to touch on. I mean, we could just continue to have

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amazing conversations,

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man. I just want to encourage every guy listening to

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press in. Take this opportunity to talk with

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another guy. Be the friend to someone else

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that you would like for yourself. Amen. Thanks, Sam.

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It’s been a really good time today, and I appreciate you. Well,

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men, I hope this conversation with Sam Black has been an encouragement to

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you. Make sure you drop by ThinkingDad.net. Sign up

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for our newsletter so you know what’s coming next. And also,

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please donate to support the next season of the Thinking Dad.

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We can’t do it without you. I look forward to seeing you real soon.